Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille