Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mummies are just super modest zombies

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

doing some research

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”