Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Lube but for my dry humor.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.