$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?