Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow