4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*