4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Thursday
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12