Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Choose your fighter

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

O Wise One….

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark