Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.