Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus