4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Where is your GOD now????
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
work smarter, not harder
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.