4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.