Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex