Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.