@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

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@Conchvegas1

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@jennyjaffe

My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.

@whatmaddness

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

@WillSaysStuff

This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!

@Thrill_Tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@ShutUpThatsWho

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?