Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
9: you gonna cook it?
9: I love you
Me: I know
This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?