4 AM BLADDER: Get up. You need to go STOMACH: And you're hungry BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We'd have to move there

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

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