4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
it’s the silliest best thing
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I will never stop laughing at this
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now