4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
