4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Tony Hawk, age 6
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.