4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut