4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
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If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”