Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here