Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers