4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.