4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
