4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter