A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it