@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

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@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

@dumbbeezie

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

@decentbirthday

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.