Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I’m sure it’s fine.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that