Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

Ironic

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I hope Alan is OK

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…