4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.