4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*