4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys