Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I missed you with all my darts

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”