[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.