[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.