Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro