4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend