4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.