Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob