4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
You Might Also Like
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You know…for fall…
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
the short answer to this question
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.