4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Krampus.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
This kinda thing happens to me often
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
relationship goals
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times