4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Not today.. 😂
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’m crying im so happy for them
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead