4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
March 16
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
