4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

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Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.


My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.


Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win


Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.


At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments


Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.