Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

OH. COME. ON.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Brb my Sims are getting married

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me