Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.