Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I like long walks away from everyone

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

always be there

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?