Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk