Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

japanese corn

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I beg your pardon?

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.