Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Breaking news:

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?