Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.