Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Morning.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.