[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Everyone’s family
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.