4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Get in loser we’re going crying
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
stop
that’s really how it is
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.