4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.


Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.


her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.


It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.


How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt


And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello