4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
You Might Also Like
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera