4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
That de-escalated quickly
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car