Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.