4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?