Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

My new favorite headline

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

i want the dreams to chase me for once

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.