4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
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🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Confused owl: What?!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?