Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Breaking news:

(yawn)

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?