Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

My first child will be named New Folder.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware