Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Finally! 😈

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.