4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!