4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Festive toon…
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.