Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes