Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired