4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
You Might Also Like
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.