Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Not today, today.
Not today.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning