Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

This dude got his own movie?

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.