Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

hear me out : pockets for your socks

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

weddings should have a worst man

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus: