4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”