Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Me, reading some of your tweets

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..