Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

Spotted in the wild

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

I came this close!!!!

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.