4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
23. the denim jacket
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
That time Alicia messaged me
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.