4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.