4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*